Day 1 January, Letter to myself 

Isn’t there a time when you can’t not jot down one line but your mind has way too many? How to write down every emotions that surpasses you and make it so that it makes sense?

Writing is a funny business. The reader can never imagine the struggle of putting down that one sentence which meant so much to the author but it was just another letter in the draft.

Moving on to the topic,

My birthday comes on the day when people are either sloshed and high or are partying!

As the days grew closer, I grew more emotional, not because i was growing old but because I realised that I still needed to explore myself. I am more than two decades old and i felt that tug to move, to go out, take a leap and experience that I always wanted to. 

This year has been experimental one with loads of rollercoaster emotions. 

I have learnt that I like being Workaholic and I feel the most satisfied when I work. But i also learnt that it is important to have balance in your life; to take a break and relax for myself. 

Its important to socialise because even if books are there with you, at the end, you atleast need one person to talk to.

Never ignore your gut feelings. There are certain situations where you can save you heart from breaking. 

In the end, it’s only your family who will stay and support you, no matter how crazy you are. They will walk more than extra mil just because they want to

In the end it’s more of how i grow each day that matters than anything else.

Dear me, grow more fierce, relentless, weird, and explore.


What Loneliness feels like..

There are days like –

You are on your phone going through the contact list, many names, so many people. You know you can hang out with them, have fun but you can’t call them up to share. As you move down the list, you can’t shake this anxious feeling that you are alone, may be you don’t have anyone. 

You keep the phone aside to shake off the feeling, try watching TV series on binge to just pass the time. After some episodes, your brain doesn’t register it as an entertainment. You go back and rewind the time when you had a real honest conversation with somebody. That anxious feeling comes back. 

You start feeling insecure. You start reminding your flaws as a reason why you are not a nice person to be with. You consider those flaws as a reason why nobody would find you interesting.

Cue in the songs which really connect with your feelings and showers with the memories that haunt you.

All you feel right now is to run away, just anything to get that feeling away. You don’t like it. You try to distract it away but no matter what you do, in the corner of your brain; you still feel the disconnect with the task you are doing.

If you are at work and if someone criticizes your work, you take it to your heart and add on the list why you feel undeserving.

You want to give it your best but somehow you fear that it’s not good enough and replay all the remark you were given to prove your thoughts.

You want to go somewhere out, so far that there will be just you and the nature but can’t seem to move out of your house. You always have task on your hand.

At night, you feel this longing, to be wanted to be heard, to have this one person who would be interested in knowing how your day was or just hug you till you feel normal. You want to desperately talk to someone and share this gut wrenching feeling but can’t.

You crave the touch of someone who would care, support but all you have right now is You and end up crying your heart out.

You are a strong person, you don’t want to burden your problems to anyone, so you put on your brave face and act like everything is fine while you are struggling with storms, thunder, hurricanes inside.

This feeling starts growing as days pass by and you accept it as a part of your life. 

But please listen dear, this isn’t you. Fight that feeling each day. No matter how strong it grows, fight it. Don’t let it have a say in it. Go for walks, jog. Play with kids or go to shelter house. Give. Talk. Even if you think you have no one, write it down and then conquer this feeling. Say no to it. You have yourself. This is your battle and you can do it.

If you need someone to just listen, comment or msg away. You are not alone in this.

Smile truly. 


Hema Sanghavi

Under water Mountains, Inc: The New Ponzi Company Uncovered!!

Underwater Mountain, Inc(Uwpublishing) joined the arts industry in 2014. With Christopher Poindexter(christopher poindexter ) agreeing to become part owner and publish his first book, Naked Human, with them they had the momentum to become a legend, groundbreaking, and it did that. They chose the popular Instagram poets, and soon they began to publish the books. Poets like Joe Straynge, Alicia Cook, Jack Raymond, and Marisa Crane were among the first featured artists of this company.

Since then, they have expanded to also own and operate other companies such as 451 Press(451press) and Upstream Merchandise. They have published many books and many of these books were top sellers on Amazon.

A few Days back, Jack Raymond ( J.Raymond) posted a series of complaints in his Instagram against Underwater Mountains and 451 Press. The complaints were grievances that he listed in detail. He talked about the outright lies, misappropriation of funds, a ponzi scheme accusation, and unquestionable thievery. He further added that they took money from the artists of the 451 self publishing imprint. The artists and the employees for UW as a whole were not paid royalties on books that they rightfully earned. Payments actually made were also never on time.

Jack, a best seller has no idea how many books of his has been printed and sold. He has asked the CEO personally many times about all the sales details and has always received nothing but excuses in return. He doesn’t know what amount he rightfully should be getting. He even points out that the company releases special editions and pre-orders to lure the readers to pay premium amounts and either they usually receive it after months of waiting, and at times books are  never shipped at all.

He had requested the company to remove the book from the retailers which has not been done. When we asked for a reason, he said that for the last one and the half years he literally had to beg for royalties which he had rightfully earned. They would just pay him certain x amount and wanted him to believe that was correct for how many books were sold. Plus, he realized that in-store Barnes and Nobles began carrying his books in thousands (UW directly claimed that amount of books) in which he had no idea beforehand and no information regarding the inventory was given.

In his third series, he mentions that he was hired as a project manager for 451 press. The writers paid service fees, monthly plans and the company had under qualified and minimal staff. The employees, Jack included, also had a hard time getting their salaries. The various artists at 451 press had emailed their completed manuscripts, and the company had only one person to edit all these manuscripts, creating unfair waits, lacking editing, and money being wasted out of 451 artists pockets. The artists waited excessive amounts of time, hoping that the company would complete the editing, design, so that it can go up for sale. Months go by, credit card gets swiped and he can’t give any update as a client rep because of the situation.

Soon after Mr. Raymond came out with the internal problems of the company and the manipulations of the CEO, many other artists came out and stood with him.

There are sad, disturbing story of women in the company getting harassed but more than just once. Poets like J.R. Rogue, a victim of previous sexual assault, were forced to talk to the CEO after she blocked him and openly said she felt uncomfortable doing so. She had to talk to them so that she could terminate her contract.

Kat Savage, one of the best sellers too, had to face such problems. Promises which were made to her were broken. Like others, Kat was also promised contracts, flight trips, and much more.

Another artist, Katie Young, was underage when first contacted by UW, and was manipulated emotionally and sexually in many ways. She was promised a contract, book tours and collaborations with Christopher Poindexter, and never got a book published to date. To this date, Katie is suffering from the emotional consequences. The company not only broke the promises made to them but also made the artists question their art and self worth.

Following these posts, more than 100 artists came together and voiced out their problems. They have tried to communicate with the company but they don’t get responses. Most of the artists from Underwater Mountain Publishing, 451 press have officially terminated their contracts. They are demanding refund, royalties which they rightfully earned.

On the other hand, Underwater Mountain Publishing’s CEO has resigned, however, last summer he “resigned” also. The president, Joey Parris, resigned as well, stating that he can’t work for a company with these practices. Christopher Poindexter, part owner, is also terminating his relationship with UW. The company has posted an update saying that they will pay back the royalties but have not commented on any harassment other than comments of upcoming legal ‘action’ and blocking artists who shared their story. . The emails have not been responded to either.


Following are the screenshots and evidences proving the same.




For those who feel a little lost

How do you describe the feelings that makes and puts you into chaos? The situations remain the same yet the perceptions are different. The way each person deals with it is different.

So how do I deal with my chaos? How do I deal with my fears? How do I not be just another void human in this planet?

The future seems scary and the present even more so.. The thought that I might do  something which may have its effect that can last decades petrifies me. If I do nothing at all, I will be stuck where I am right now.

People have figured out their life and their purpose and here I am still trying to figure out the how’s!!

To which my alter ego replied,  “My dear, I don’t know why are you so worried. You are aware and that’s sounds pretty good to me. You know that your actions can have certain consequences and you would be careful when the time comes. You aren’t ignorant one. I remember what J. K. Rowling said, “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.”

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

Why Acceptance is so difficult?!

It’s a fascination to me, I wonder about it so many times

We talk, socialise, know different people. We look at them with Curiosity at first, then with interest. We admire someone and wish we could be like them.

Anything and everything. We try to replicate it in our own weird way. We forget that even if the journey is same, our paths is different.

Stop living in the Odeipus complex that Freud told us. Even the stripes on each zebra are different.

We lack and we excel. That’s who we are. I wonder why acceptance is so difficult?!

-My rants😅
-Hema Sanghavi

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

Nay, thou be a fool!

Nay, thou be a fool,
The words have no meaning,
That comforting words brings no comfort,
That over and over sweet words applying on your skin,
That hope seems stretching,
Prolonged periods of absence,
One day will come,
Everything will be alright,
Nay, thou be a fool

Never trust someone on words my child. See, not watch but see their actions!!

-Hema Sanghavi

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

The battle of luck and fortune : Happy St. Patrick’s day!

MA, I didn’t win today, I just lost because I was one second behind, just one second ma!
May be, I don’t have luck with me”, Sid said sobbingly.

He had practiced hard, he didn’t miss a day when it came to this competition. He and his mother knew how much he wanted to win.

Watching his child cry broke his mother. She was so proud of him that he gave his best. But she didn’t want him to talk about luck.

“You came second my baby, that’s great too.  I am so proud of you. You tried so hard for it. Next time, try a bit more harder son”

“But, I wanted to win this time! Why can’t God give me luck just for today? ”

” Why today son? ”

” Ma, I wanted to buy you a gift from the money I would have gotten being first. Your birthday is coming ” Sid said crying loudly.

He was so upset with himself. He knew his mother needed that, but she was saving it for him. He just wanted to see his mother happy. Why couldn’t he win??…

Tears welled up in his mother’s eyes and Sid couldn’t see her crying.

“I am sorry ma, I really am. ”

” My life, you don’t need to be sorry about anything. The fact that you wanted to come first for me, is more than the gift son.  I love you and you don’t have to worry about money.  Enjoy these competitions.  They are meant for you my baby. ”

” But…. ”
” Ssshh.. No buts Sid. I know we aren’t rich and I can’t give you many things you should have gotten. But you don’t have to worry about it.  Your ma is here.

You make your own luck son. Maybe the child who won first might have practiced more than you. 

Don’t ever fall for luck son. Have you seen uncle who buys lottery tickets daily? He believes someday he might get very rich. He is purchasing it since he started earning.  I have never seen him win. But the money from which he buys, goes daily.  He could have saved those and could have been to the doctor.

Don’t think so much. Just give it your best and even if you fail.. Don’t give up.  May be the next time you will win””

“Okay ma. I love you. ”

-Hema Sanghavi

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

What do you do?!

What do you do when you have so much to say but have to restrict yourself!

When you want to believe in those words but see that there’s no action behind it,

When you want to know everything about the person but the person would talk about everything else but them,

When you have someone but feel so lonely, when you crave that love and intimacy but all you get is everything else but that,

When you want to believe in love that lasts but have to face the reality,

When you want answers you desperately need but all you get is puzzle,

What do you do then?! Just wait or accept the reality?!
-Hema Sanghavi

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

Ranting on love

The romantics wrote about their overwhelming emotions,

The Victorian submerged those,

Modernism wondered what our life is all about,

While the post Modernism is all about what society think I need,

We all are showing how happy we all are and how perfect our life is,

We show than feel,
We hide than be transparent,
We are more cynical than we ought to,

More insecure about ourselves and project it out too,
We are in a age where we are doubting everything and everyone,

Instant gratification, consumerism, capitalism is all about instant profit,
We are more about what happens to us,  more individualistic,

Tell me,
How love can survive in this?
While the infinite books talk about how their love is more important than anything else,

We try to rationalize and be more practical,
Love was never meant to be practical,
It is an emotion which is so strong that it brings strength, peace, hope, and everything else.

We all crave that kind of love, that kind of belonging – Ness,  a part to be with someone who fills us, and consumes the Devils,

Yet why are we so afraid of it?

#Ranting on love

-Hema Sanghavi

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

Inside my heart

Wanting and needing,
Lights eluding,
Hallucinating the love,
Delusional like romantics,
Dreams whispering about my demons,
Balancing is all an act,
Darkness blooming like a violet sky,
Lost and confused,
No grasp on reality,
Moving in circles,
Nothing to be found,
Nobody there,
Tears blinding the view,
The tragedy of life,
Alone and lost.
– Hema Sanghavi

Written by Hema Sanghavi.