Grateful, May 15

If last few days are any indication, they would just shout one word, one emotion, that is how grateful I am. 

I feel more than happy to be at this moment. Call it God’s grace or just luck, I am blessed with everything I could ever want. Family who support and love, friends who are as good as family, colleagues who are the most helpful and my boss who is understanding.

How can I not love the position I am right now? The hunger to learn more, the opportunity to prove so, home to live in and family who are the best. 

Today somehow feels like things are going to change for better. Things will work soon. Hopefully, to the better tomorrow.  

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Holding Hands

“So what happened?” 

“Nothing. We just held hands. ”

“Really? Nothing more? Tell me everything!” 
“How do I describe holding hands? It was the most intimate thing. No, I am not being coy. At first, it’s more shy. Just the softest touch on the fingers and then slowly glide towards the palm, holding them. Firm. Rugged palms exploring the soft lines of the other. You just don’t hold hands. You give them a part of you. Sign of trust and support. Like a kid trusting his mother to hold him if he fails to walk.
Those rugged hands tell a story of hardships and strength. Those small circling touches on the palm smooth your anxiety. Those holding hands promise security. Those enclosed hands proudly declare two souls conjoined. But above all, those warm hands somehow manage to melt the walls that you built over years. ”
Just another small snippet 

– Hema Sanghavi

Day 1 January, Letter to myself 

Isn’t there a time when you can’t not jot down one line but your mind has way too many? How to write down every emotions that surpasses you and make it so that it makes sense?

Writing is a funny business. The reader can never imagine the struggle of putting down that one sentence which meant so much to the author but it was just another letter in the draft.

Moving on to the topic,

My birthday comes on the day when people are either sloshed and high or are partying!

As the days grew closer, I grew more emotional, not because i was growing old but because I realised that I still needed to explore myself. I am more than two decades old and i felt that tug to move, to go out, take a leap and experience that I always wanted to. 

This year has been experimental one with loads of rollercoaster emotions. 

I have learnt that I like being Workaholic and I feel the most satisfied when I work. But i also learnt that it is important to have balance in your life; to take a break and relax for myself. 

Its important to socialise because even if books are there with you, at the end, you atleast need one person to talk to.

Never ignore your gut feelings. There are certain situations where you can save you heart from breaking. 

In the end, it’s only your family who will stay and support you, no matter how crazy you are. They will walk more than extra mil just because they want to

In the end it’s more of how i grow each day that matters than anything else.

Dear me, grow more fierce, relentless, weird, and explore.

Ranting on love

The romantics wrote about their overwhelming emotions,

The Victorian submerged those,

Modernism wondered what our life is all about,

While the post Modernism is all about what society think I need,

We all are showing how happy we all are and how perfect our life is,

We show than feel,
We hide than be transparent,
We are more cynical than we ought to,

More insecure about ourselves and project it out too,
We are in a age where we are doubting everything and everyone,

Instant gratification, consumerism, capitalism is all about instant profit,
We are more about what happens to us,  more individualistic,

Tell me,
How love can survive in this?
While the infinite books talk about how their love is more important than anything else,

We try to rationalize and be more practical,
Love was never meant to be practical,
It is an emotion which is so strong that it brings strength, peace, hope, and everything else.

We all crave that kind of love, that kind of belonging – Ness,  a part to be with someone who fills us, and consumes the Devils,

Yet why are we so afraid of it?

#Ranting on love

-Hema Sanghavi

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

Inside my heart

Wanting and needing,
Lights eluding,
Hallucinating the love,
Delusional like romantics,
Dreams whispering about my demons,
Balancing is all an act,
Darkness blooming like a violet sky,
Lost and confused,
No grasp on reality,
Moving in circles,
Nothing to be found,
Nobody there,
Tears blinding the view,
The tragedy of life,
Alone and lost.
– Hema Sanghavi

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

Imperfections

I was on Buzzfeed blog yesterday. There was one blog on make up tools. I was stunned. There are so many of them. Different types of Kajal/khol itself ( pencil, gel, liquid, homemade ) and to apply them different types of tools. If you want winged eyeliner you need angled brush etc.

Astonished and repulsive would describe what I felt. I won’t say I am anti make up or anything but the fact that one needs to buy so many stuff to either highlight their features or conceal some.

Why would I need concealer, foundation, eye powders, creams( not to mention different types of them; hand, face, body, skin type, night one, one for dark circles ), khol, lipstick, lip liner, gel based stuff, matte and blah and blah….
Oh, I just applied layers of makeup now I need to remove it. So again, to remove the make up we again need so many products.

While this just covers the face area, we are left with tons of stuff for the body. nail polish, nail art seems to be on trend, along with moisturizer, deodorant etc.

I think you are getting to where I am hinting at. I am not going against the use of make up, but against the very idea of it. To hide the blemishes, to cover the dark circles, marks, to highlight cheekbones.

The whole beauty segment seems like materialism. The advertising sector I feel more than 50% dedicated to beauty segment in India at least. And our society somehow wants to be fair. So each and every other brand can make you fair as pearl white with months!!

Why can’t we simply understand that our skin tone is because of geography and gene.

Along with beauty, we have now moved ourselves to a competition to see how skinny a girl can be. With guys, it seems how many abs does he have!!

How easily we judge someone within a fraction of a second with what they wear,  and their body type.

Since I am a college going student, I have myself seen the effects of these marketing and advertisement has done to people.

People are trying to starve or eat minimal food, going to gym even to either lose weight or to make some abs.
Trying to follow the latest fashion trends, lingo and even to generate likes of what is trending.

I am against the ideologies that have captured and destroyed the crowds. It seems that the brands are promoting not just their products but also how these products are necessary in our lives!!
While they made sure that the products are actually necessary they soon try to break the more psyche by telling us that their and only their products are nest and can be used daily which my gosh has been recommended by so and so!!

Are we that blind that we can’t see what’s going on? Or are we just another robot trained by these brands?

Be fit. Exercise. Eat right. Be you. Because what’s the use of wearing a mask daily when slowly you lose your sense of identity.
(Don’t trust me, try using khol daily for 3 months. daily. Then just one day, don’t apply it. You won’t like it. Why? Because you are used to see yourself like that )
-Hema Sanghavi

Inspired from the poem, ‘The Unknown Citizen’ by W. Auden.

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

Zachry K Douglas : The Most Soulful Poet

Zachry is on my second list of my favorite poets, i found his beautiful works on Instagram. My words fall short to describe him. He is a private person but he shares his emotions daily through his poem. He was in army, suffered depression ( active for suicide prevention), later found love.

He believes in soul. He named his writing series and also adorns a tattoo, “More Soul than Human”. I have been following him for almost a year and his works keeps getting better. He writes for his love, his emotions and one can see how slowly his soul is painted in transcripts.

He is one of the most humble person i have met, ever so sweet and caring ; unlike some he removes time and personally talks to everyone who has commented on his works or has messaged him.

He is available on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr. His book is out which is called “86”. You can purchase it from Amazon, or through http://www.underwatermountains.com

Following are some of his poems:

  1. The way he describes what everyone wants to do; Travel.

What a poet feels

2.  The way he writes about big things in the most simple manner. The simple truth to believe in oneself is described in such an amazing manner.

believe and conquer

3. All he needs is one sentence to describe complicated.

chaos 2

4. When he describes what chaos feels like..

chaos

5. The importance of conversation

conversation

6. When he knows what it feels like, yet inspires and advises other. All of his work has some optimism, like even if you are on the end of the rope, hang on…

hope

7. When he says i love you.. His works and words have some profound effect on me. He makes me believe in love, that there are some things i can hope for and go on.

iloveyou

8. When he talks about madness and sanity, although he talks about his love; for me personally it also reflects upon the societial views on sanity and madness, and to be what you want to be.

madness

8. When he describes his love to her, it just makes me swoon. He just describes every feeling into that perfect words.

meantohim

9. Although it seems a simple poem but i love how he loves something because it connects with her. When even a simple smile has so much meaning in his life.

mornings

10. The way he  describes being imperfect and loving it. He inspires me to and helps me not feel guilty of not confining to the norms.

not perfect

11. When he talks about his insecurities, his wounds yet has light in himself; believes in their love.

ring

12. This is one of the cutest and lovable poem i like.

smile

13. Simple truth. No words needed to explain.

the broken

14. You arent imaginary, you are real

time on earth

Love the way you write Zachry. Keep on writing and spreading the love.

The Unsung Hero

To my Pain,
I thank you today,
I didn’t realise how much I needed you in my system,
I didn’t want you,
You showed me what hell could feel like,
I hated you,
I never wanted you to be with anyone,
But
Today,
I thank you.
Yes, I was in bad phase,
I felt hopeless and desolate,
Grief didn’t give me justice,
But you were there constantly by my side,
You showed me my strength and my courage,
You showed me that you were with me because I loved deeply,
You showed me what happens when I was too naive and foolish,
You helped me to gather those tiny freckles of strength,
You were the silent friend who wanted the best for me,
You taught me to stand up for myself,
You gave me power to say No,
You gave me the eyes to see the reality and removed the smokey perception I held,
Its sad people don’t write about you,
You are the unsung hero,
Always forgotten to praised,
You are my Yang and
I
won’t forget you,
Because you are my hero,
You taught me to walk when I lost my wings.
– Hema Sanghavi

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

The Walk

The walk was much needed. She had to go out. An escape however small it seemed to be.
She repeated the mantra in her head,”I am not going to cry, I am not going to get emotional. No, you can’t do this. ”
She was walking around for an hour and the legs wanted to give up. Finally when she saw a a place to sit in the park, she let it all out.

She made sure that no one was looking around. She had to cry. She couldn’t control it. The reality was too much for her to handle. The books weren’t helping her either.

Hermione Granger would have locked herself in bathroom. Being cold as Snape didn’t work also. All she wanted was to escape from all this.

She pondered what price she is paying for this harsh truth. Couldn’t she find someone who would just understand her and not judge? Be a silent supporter and be there for her. She wasn’t asking for much. Just nice company.
Sighing, she wiped her tears and stood up. It was getting late. She had to cook dinner and complete her chores too.

Suddenly, she saw a dog looking at her. Like the dog knew what she felt. That tug her heart even more.
She knelt down and played with the dogs’ ears and neck. He purred in happiness and wiggled his tail.

Sadly, she had to leave. She said, “I need to go now. Thank you for being there. ”
Barking, the dog followed her till she reached home.
-Hema

Written by Hema Sanghavi.

Diary: An Excerpt of an Young Person

I don’t know where to start. I don’t write personal things. very private person, I am. even if I am supposed to vent something out, I write it metaphorically or make some one personified. it’s not easy to put down words you feel and let someone else read it and at one point of time judge it. May be this seems like a child wailing. may be it is.

But I needed to write it out. I am writer by profession, its my duty to write majestically and flawlessly with impeccable timing to add humor so that readers don’t feel bored. Ya, my job. But I wont do that today, I am not going to edit it, nor am I going to remove sentences. because I need to jot this down. I need to write so that I can clear myself up.

I  didn’t realize what responsibility is until I started working. I like to write, no in fact I love writing and working. it makes me feel like I can do something. I feel proud, independent. life does change pretty fast. It’s almost 9 and half month down and it feels i am still stuck in january. Time is moving very fast and so is life.

you know when you are past the college life and you suddenly feel the weight of responsibilities putting you down. You become more aware. You become more cautious, more cynical. The other day I was talking with man who is bit more older to me. He said his problems out loud and I felt helpless. I have never been in that kind of situation. I didn’t know what to do, other than just listening. you know this saying ” when you sit down with people in conference table and if each one shared their sorrows, you would rather have yours and leave”

I just feel scared. I don’t want to lose myself. there is so much of difference between me last year and this year. The innocence, naïvety, the outlook that I had has changed. I am not what i was past few months ago. some say that it is good. it makes you strong. you change to adapt and survive. But I say at what cost?. yes, I cant be innocent like a 10-year-old kid. because the world is cruel and it will eat me up. the strongest survives, right Darwin? But aren’t the weaklings worthy enough?

Is it so much of a crime to have feelings? I have my share of bad days, I know it’s just the beginning of those, but still they though didn’t kill me and made me stronger, but they made me cold too. They made me cynical too. So every person i talk to, i turn cynical. You the old man i was talking about earlier? Ya so my point is that if i see an 18-year-old , 25-year-old and 35-year-old. the difference in them also revolves around how they view things. A 18-year-old person will be more nice and bit more optimistic person when they meet a stranger. A 25-year-old might be cynical. A 35-year-old will first think of a motive of the stranger talking.

Our past, our experiences do make who we are. But my question is how much do we let them dictate us, control us? And how do we strike a balance?

By someone in 20’s

Note: The author has told me that it wants the post to be open for one day. So, I have to delete it tomorrow. Any incidents which are related are purely co-incidental. ( I so always wanted to use this sentence :P)