There are days like –
You are on your phone going through the contact list, many names, so many people. You know you can hang out with them, have fun but you can’t call them up to share. As you move down the list, you can’t shake this anxious feeling that you are alone, may be you don’t have anyone.
You keep the phone aside to shake off the feeling, try watching TV series on binge to just pass the time. After some episodes, your brain doesn’t register it as an entertainment. You go back and rewind the time when you had a real honest conversation with somebody. That anxious feeling comes back.
You start feeling insecure. You start reminding your flaws as a reason why you are not a nice person to be with. You consider those flaws as a reason why nobody would find you interesting.
Cue in the songs which really connect with your feelings and showers with the memories that haunt you.
All you feel right now is to run away, just anything to get that feeling away. You don’t like it. You try to distract it away but no matter what you do, in the corner of your brain; you still feel the disconnect with the task you are doing.
If you are at work and if someone criticizes your work, you take it to your heart and add on the list why you feel undeserving.
You want to give it your best but somehow you fear that it’s not good enough and replay all the remark you were given to prove your thoughts.
You want to go somewhere out, so far that there will be just you and the nature but can’t seem to move out of your house. You always have task on your hand.
At night, you feel this longing, to be wanted to be heard, to have this one person who would be interested in knowing how your day was or just hug you till you feel normal. You want to desperately talk to someone and share this gut wrenching feeling but can’t.
You crave the touch of someone who would care, support but all you have right now is You and end up crying your heart out.
You are a strong person, you don’t want to burden your problems to anyone, so you put on your brave face and act like everything is fine while you are struggling with storms, thunder, hurricanes inside.
This feeling starts growing as days pass by and you accept it as a part of your life.
But please listen dear, this isn’t you. Fight that feeling each day. No matter how strong it grows, fight it. Don’t let it have a say in it. Go for walks, jog. Play with kids or go to shelter house. Give. Talk. Even if you think you have no one, write it down and then conquer this feeling. Say no to it. You have yourself. This is your battle and you can do it.
If you need someone to just listen, comment or msg away. You are not alone in this.