I don’t know where to start. I don’t write personal things. very private person, I am. even if I am supposed to vent something out, I write it metaphorically or make some one personified. it’s not easy to put down words you feel and let someone else read it and at one point of time judge it. May be this seems like a child wailing. may be it is.
But I needed to write it out. I am writer by profession, its my duty to write majestically and flawlessly with impeccable timing to add humor so that readers don’t feel bored. Ya, my job. But I wont do that today, I am not going to edit it, nor am I going to remove sentences. because I need to jot this down. I need to write so that I can clear myself up.
I didn’t realize what responsibility is until I started working. I like to write, no in fact I love writing and working. it makes me feel like I can do something. I feel proud, independent. life does change pretty fast. It’s almost 9 and half month down and it feels i am still stuck in january. Time is moving very fast and so is life.
you know when you are past the college life and you suddenly feel the weight of responsibilities putting you down. You become more aware. You become more cautious, more cynical. The other day I was talking with man who is bit more older to me. He said his problems out loud and I felt helpless. I have never been in that kind of situation. I didn’t know what to do, other than just listening. you know this saying ” when you sit down with people in conference table and if each one shared their sorrows, you would rather have yours and leave”
I just feel scared. I don’t want to lose myself. there is so much of difference between me last year and this year. The innocence, naïvety, the outlook that I had has changed. I am not what i was past few months ago. some say that it is good. it makes you strong. you change to adapt and survive. But I say at what cost?. yes, I cant be innocent like a 10-year-old kid. because the world is cruel and it will eat me up. the strongest survives, right Darwin? But aren’t the weaklings worthy enough?
Is it so much of a crime to have feelings? I have my share of bad days, I know it’s just the beginning of those, but still they though didn’t kill me and made me stronger, but they made me cold too. They made me cynical too. So every person i talk to, i turn cynical. You the old man i was talking about earlier? Ya so my point is that if i see an 18-year-old , 25-year-old and 35-year-old. the difference in them also revolves around how they view things. A 18-year-old person will be more nice and bit more optimistic person when they meet a stranger. A 25-year-old might be cynical. A 35-year-old will first think of a motive of the stranger talking.
Our past, our experiences do make who we are. But my question is how much do we let them dictate us, control us? And how do we strike a balance?
By someone in 20’s
Note: The author has told me that it wants the post to be open for one day. So, I have to delete it tomorrow. Any incidents which are related are purely co-incidental. ( I so always wanted to use this sentence :P)