Grateful, May 15

If last few days are any indication, they would just shout one word, one emotion, that is how grateful I am. 

I feel more than happy to be at this moment. Call it God’s grace or just luck, I am blessed with everything I could ever want. Family who support and love, friends who are as good as family, colleagues who are the most helpful and my boss who is understanding.

How can I not love the position I am right now? The hunger to learn more, the opportunity to prove so, home to live in and family who are the best. 

Today somehow feels like things are going to change for better. Things will work soon. Hopefully, to the better tomorrow.  

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Holding Hands

“So what happened?” 

“Nothing. We just held hands. ”

“Really? Nothing more? Tell me everything!” 
“How do I describe holding hands? It was the most intimate thing. No, I am not being coy. At first, it’s more shy. Just the softest touch on the fingers and then slowly glide towards the palm, holding them. Firm. Rugged palms exploring the soft lines of the other. You just don’t hold hands. You give them a part of you. Sign of trust and support. Like a kid trusting his mother to hold him if he fails to walk.
Those rugged hands tell a story of hardships and strength. Those small circling touches on the palm smooth your anxiety. Those holding hands promise security. Those enclosed hands proudly declare two souls conjoined. But above all, those warm hands somehow manage to melt the walls that you built over years. ”
Just another small snippet 

– Hema Sanghavi

Things That I Wish My Heart To Understand. 

Dear Heart,

Don’t jump on seeing another soul. I know it resembles a lot like you but hold your stomping beats and let the brain focus for once. 

I know it’s been years since you yearned and jumped in joy or blushed at the thought of the other but harness your desire. 

I don’t want you to proclaim any affection for once. Brain very well knows the pain you grow through when you are injured. 

The nights are tough and the logic seems to sleep but I want you to remember one line that brain keeps on repeating. ‘Action speaks louder than words’ 

The annihilation won’t be long if you succumb so easily. Be a wolf. Don’t give in easily. Let the other show you first. Reign your swooning because it won’t be long before you declare the other as your procession. 

Oh heart, it’s simply foolish to let yourself wander in this world. Patience, dear. 

– Hema Sanghavi 

Day 5, January

Everything is messy. Nothing works. Nothing clicks. Just an awful start. 

It’s funny how we all talked about self love and encourage it but at the end of the day, it’s the people you have interacted with makes an impact.

Even if you don’t know the person, they will still have an impact on how your day passes. But in the same way, you will create the impact on someone’s else’s life.

So, be kind. World has a little less of it already.

Day 4, January

Tricky thing is this, addictive even. I don’t want to get over it. The more I try to see, the more it speaks, enthralls me into this path of just being there. No judgement and just acceptance.

Its quite interesting to observe and see people react, believe and trust. While observation is intoxicating, what shall I see when the tables are turned?

Would the perception of myself shatter or would it be revolutionising?

We are so quick to notice, bond and judge people but dislike when it’s we are put to the same process.

We each have a good/bad side, what we choose to be is based on our interactions. Don’t assume the person you dislike, is really not a good person 

Day 3 January

There are instances where you make silly mistakes and be embarrassed about it.

May be it’s about those small instances which makes you more better, wiser.

It’s been three days already since the new year has begun and it hasn’t changed drastically. Still sleeping late, not exercising and eating junk food as always. Yet it still brings hope in me, to be better than I was before, to challenge myself.

It’s this moment which calms my beating, nervous heart *insert a gif of Shifu’s (Kung fu panda) inner peace *
Something tells me that it’s going to be okay!

Day 2 – January

It’s okay if you don’t like your work at times and feel not satisfied. It’s okay if you strive for perfection and take a whole day for it. 

Make it count. 

You will meet different people and not everyone will like you. I think at the end of the day, its better to feel you have done something you are proud of rather than comprising on what you feel

Day 1 January, Letter to myself 

Isn’t there a time when you can’t not jot down one line but your mind has way too many? How to write down every emotions that surpasses you and make it so that it makes sense?

Writing is a funny business. The reader can never imagine the struggle of putting down that one sentence which meant so much to the author but it was just another letter in the draft.

Moving on to the topic,

My birthday comes on the day when people are either sloshed and high or are partying!

As the days grew closer, I grew more emotional, not because i was growing old but because I realised that I still needed to explore myself. I am more than two decades old and i felt that tug to move, to go out, take a leap and experience that I always wanted to. 

This year has been experimental one with loads of rollercoaster emotions. 

I have learnt that I like being Workaholic and I feel the most satisfied when I work. But i also learnt that it is important to have balance in your life; to take a break and relax for myself. 

Its important to socialise because even if books are there with you, at the end, you atleast need one person to talk to.

Never ignore your gut feelings. There are certain situations where you can save you heart from breaking. 

In the end, it’s only your family who will stay and support you, no matter how crazy you are. They will walk more than extra mil just because they want to

In the end it’s more of how i grow each day that matters than anything else.

Dear me, grow more fierce, relentless, weird, and explore.

What Loneliness feels like..

There are days like –

You are on your phone going through the contact list, many names, so many people. You know you can hang out with them, have fun but you can’t call them up to share. As you move down the list, you can’t shake this anxious feeling that you are alone, may be you don’t have anyone. 

You keep the phone aside to shake off the feeling, try watching TV series on binge to just pass the time. After some episodes, your brain doesn’t register it as an entertainment. You go back and rewind the time when you had a real honest conversation with somebody. That anxious feeling comes back. 

You start feeling insecure. You start reminding your flaws as a reason why you are not a nice person to be with. You consider those flaws as a reason why nobody would find you interesting.

Cue in the songs which really connect with your feelings and showers with the memories that haunt you.

All you feel right now is to run away, just anything to get that feeling away. You don’t like it. You try to distract it away but no matter what you do, in the corner of your brain; you still feel the disconnect with the task you are doing.

If you are at work and if someone criticizes your work, you take it to your heart and add on the list why you feel undeserving.

You want to give it your best but somehow you fear that it’s not good enough and replay all the remark you were given to prove your thoughts.

You want to go somewhere out, so far that there will be just you and the nature but can’t seem to move out of your house. You always have task on your hand.

At night, you feel this longing, to be wanted to be heard, to have this one person who would be interested in knowing how your day was or just hug you till you feel normal. You want to desperately talk to someone and share this gut wrenching feeling but can’t.

You crave the touch of someone who would care, support but all you have right now is You and end up crying your heart out.

You are a strong person, you don’t want to burden your problems to anyone, so you put on your brave face and act like everything is fine while you are struggling with storms, thunder, hurricanes inside.

This feeling starts growing as days pass by and you accept it as a part of your life. 

But please listen dear, this isn’t you. Fight that feeling each day. No matter how strong it grows, fight it. Don’t let it have a say in it. Go for walks, jog. Play with kids or go to shelter house. Give. Talk. Even if you think you have no one, write it down and then conquer this feeling. Say no to it. You have yourself. This is your battle and you can do it.

If you need someone to just listen, comment or msg away. You are not alone in this.

Smile truly. 

Love,

Hema Sanghavi